An Uninvited Guest

  I dreaded this day. In the back of my mind I knew an old not so welcomed friend of mine would be paying a visit. He is most unwelcome indeed; quite a nasty fellow. Let me explain a little more in depth. You see, this friend, well I don't even know why I use the word friend to describe him, he is not a friend at all. He first showed his face quite unexpectedly in my 8th month of pregnancy with Calvin. I woke up from a dead sleep one night to a feeling I had never before felt in my life. My heart was pounding, my mind was racing,  I was shaking, and suddenly, it felt like the walls were closing in on me and that my life was in peril. For what reason? I had no idea, but all I know was that I was terrified. I was experiencing my very first panic attack. I woke Jess up and tried explaining what was happening, but I literally had no clue, so he did his best to calm me down; we even said a little prayer. Then, I was able to go back to sleep. But they didn't stop there, I had one almost everyday until the end of my pregnancy, I even had one the first night in the hospital after having Calvin. It wasn't until about 5 months after he was born that they stopped. Until now.

   Maybe it is a pregnancy thing for me? I have no clue, but all I know is anxiety, or  Mr. A as I like to call him, is not someone I wanted to see again. I have felt him lurking in the shadows for a few months now, but have been able to dodge him until about three weeks ago. I could not run from him any longer, and he finally had me cornered on Sunday night. I felt very overwhelmed with my emotions, and am so tired it's hard to keep up with Calvin all day long. I finally cracked, Mr. A had finally poked at me enough that I gave in. He's pretty cruel like that. And he also likes to kick me while I am down. But while sitting on my bathroom floor crying so that I would not wake Ck and my sleeping hubby at 3 am, I felt this little fire light within me. Mr. A is not going to take me down without a fight this time. OH no! Although I was shaken terribly, I knew that there was someone there to help me. My Heavenly Father was probably anxiously awaiting me to call to Him for help and that's just what I did. I managed to get onto my knees and pray for help, and although the tears started flowing again so strongly that I could barely understand myself, I know He knew what I was asking. I instantly felt a flood of comfort from the Spirit, and when I was done I was able to go back to bed and fall right asleep, the sweet little movements of baby girl inside me just letting me know she was there for me too.

   Today I feel like I can move mountains. I know there are going to be more tough days ahead, but I am confident that I can get past the tough times and not let Mr. A bully me around anymore. Sorry Mr. A, time to pack your bags!!


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